So I got this problem. My woman, whom I love dearly, and I have frequently been in some petty arguements recently.Here's the catch, I find that most of what we argue about is how much we argue. Ironic as that is, it's the truth. And what makes it tough, is that she thinks arguing is a sign that our relationship is failing, so she leaves when we argue... and I think our relationship is failing when she has to walk out. I'm a big time arguer. Smile I mean, I like to get stuff out in the open, and get it over with. I'll discuss until the wee hours of the morning if necessary. She hates arguing, she'd rather we both shut up and pretend it's not there.
So, two questions: 1) recommendations.) how do you feel about arguing?
(I'm not adding any connotation to 'argue'. I'm not trying to make it negative....it's a term that I'm using to describe discussing issues in a relationship)
1) I have never met a woman that didn't try to run and hide when she got upset over an argument.
2) If you have any sense, you will never let your woman just run and hide when she gets tired of an argument.
3) Stop what you are saying and listen. I discovered this the hard way.
4) Listen some more.
5) Listen
6) Discover a middle ground that both of you will benefit from and calmly discuss this new position.
7) Kiss and make up. This is so important after an intense argument because it replaces the feelings of isolation and tension brought on by arguing.
8) Forget about it!
Quote:3) Stop what you are saying...and listen. I discovered this the hard way recently.
4) Listen some more.
5) Listen
It's always a problem when she won't talk. I tell her, "Just tell me what's on your mind babe." and she's like, "nothing, let's just not talk about it."Which wouldn't be so big now and again, but it's all the time. We'll see. I'd love the opportunity to listen but she doesn't want to talk about her feelings of dissapointment, or bitterness, or just simply something she's not happy with she thinks that when she brings it up, it might cause our relationship to suffer. And I can't convince her that I just want to hear what's on her heart.
But man is she amazing. I'm in awe of her 18 hours a day and the other 8 that I sleep, I hate unless she's next to me.
Quote:7) Kiss and make up
This is definately the part I'm good at.
Quote:8) Forget about it!
Very wise my friend...very wise. Thanks for the thoughts.
Most major reoccurring conflicts in relationships stem from a basic difference in the manner women and men communicate. Men are problem solvers. If there is a problem, they want it clearly defined, analyzed and will promptly provide a solution. Women have tend to not be so focused on solutions. Instead, when a woman is complaining to you, it is usually indicative of problems they wish to get off their chest. That doesn't mean they want you to fix it, they just want you to listen to it. If you stop and just let your woman tell you all the things that are bothering her, many of which likely have nothing to do with you, she'll feel better and so will you.
Give me her email address. I'll talk some sense into the broad. Seriously though, that is a sign that she is or will soon be very unhealthy mentally. The idea that bad feelings must be kept out of a relationship for fear of destabilizing it can only further destabilize things and provide a serious strain on her psyche. Just curious, did she had any problems when younger?
Yup. Oh trust me, I see all the psychological reasons behind it all but knowing what happened, even knowing why it happened is only part of it. I can know it all and she would still not share with me. I just have to become a person with whom she feels comfortable sharing with. It's tough sometimes because it requires quite a bit of sacrifice until she has faith in herself. But she's worth it. And I've my own problems that she can occupy herself with. Thanks guys.
Arguing sucks. Only advice I can give: make sure she understands that you have a position and that you're going to stick by it but end the argument as fast as possible by "agreeing to disagree," letting her know you support her, and kissing & making up. Forgive and forget.
Also the Dalai Lama's advice is: don't bring up the past during an argument, deal only with the current situation.
So I don't know how valid anything I have to say on this would be. Most guys hear, but don't actually listen. Typically I view arguments as something that can make a relationship stronger. I mean anyone can have a great relationship if they always agree with each other etc etc. But to really grow together you need to have some arguments or at least disagreement so you can work on being able to compromise. Constant arguments might be a problem depending on the seriousness of the arguments, but as long as you're both talking to each other things can work out.
I know exactly what you're talking about, my ex and I got into it all the time, about all kinds of things.. kids, guns, houses, God, you name it. The difference was, what I considered a good debate (and I love a good debate) she considered a full blown fight. I knew, as the relationship broke down, that any woman I could be with would have to be able to stand on the same level of communication with me. Bottom line, all you can do is be 100% open with her, and be there when she needs you. You can't force someone to communicate.
If you demean/insult your partner when you argue I'd say the relationship has some issues. Otherwise I wouldn't consider it "arguing" more "heated discussion" and as long as you don't attack your partner personally there shouldn't be any problems arguing. No couple agrees %100 of the time.